Boundaries with Babies

I have a one-year-old, so my life looks a lot like, “Where did Sunny carry the remote off to this time?”

This whole first year has been an emotional banshee. One minute I’m gazing at her in reverent awe. The next, I’m thinking how in the world will I get through this day? Babies are just that; pure happiness and puzzling hardwork at the exact same time. How can you love someone so much and yet long for a break so much? Just some sleep. Just a shower would be nice. What would it be like to complete a task with two hands? I can’t remember. Reading? Could I just read the milk carton for like 5 minutes? I mean, I buy organic. It’s basically poetry on the back of that thing.
Having littles isn’t easy. It’s high highs and low lows mixed together with so much monotony. The same book over and over. The same song over and over. The same Ms. Rachel over and over (let me hear all fans!). But we know it’s all worth it. We love those babies so much we could punch something. It’s a force. This life is madly gorgeous and we’re learning so much about sacrifice in the midst of the mess. At least, this is what we tell ourselves. Also, that at their high school graduation, we’ll be able to recall exactly what it felt like to hold that baby. Because we held them and held them and held them. We drank every last drop of their gooey babyness. No regrets! (Ha!)

So, raising babies is complex. Here’s what doesn’t help:

Comparison
(Of course, it’s natural and we all do it.)

But it really doesn’t help to compare ourselves to other mothers or absorb what society defines as a “good mother” into our psyche. Here’s the tricky thing though, as a mother, you don’t always have all the answers and you need advice. But when you go looking at research or you ask other mothers, the answers often spark a nasty case of shame that layers itself atop an already fragile state of mind (eh hm, thanks a lot hormones). This is where boundaries are crucial. You think you know boundaries. You think you know who you are. And then you have a baby. Suddenly, the growth and maturity you thought you’d developed cracks.
And you cry.
Everyday.

Let’s look at what Paul says for a sec…

In 1 Corinthians 3 guess what Paul is ruffled about? Immaturity and comparison. The Corinthians are all like, “I think Paul’s the man.”
“Nah, you crazy, Apollos is the winner.”
The church is experiencing some division. Oh, here we go. Humans being humans. Feeling insecure. Acting out like adult children. Someone’s stuck at the age of 12. Must’ve been the age their mom forgot them at the market for 10 hours. You get the idea.

Paul basically says, until you stop this nonsense, you’ll never achieve spiritual maturity. I can see the faces of the Corinthians drop to the floor when they read this like, we thought it was so deep and spiritual to discuss who is more deep and spiritual. Paul says that they’re missing the whole stinkin’ point.

This is so reminiscent of the whole, breast vs. bottle, cosleeping vs. sleep training, stay at home vs. daycare, reusable diapers vs. Huggies, baby wearing vs. stroller, Taylor vs. Miley. I mean, if there’s a topic involving babies, moms are known to take a stand. A surface-level of support exists from mamas to mamas in our society, along with an underbelly of shame and judgment woven into every opinion on these topics. That shame and judgment with their special helpers Instagram and Pinterest do nothing but mentally pummel and exhaust all mothers involved. The whole event reveals immaturity. There’s what’s working for you and best for your baby and then there’s some theory you’re clinging to out of insecurity. We tend to bite back in judgment or shudder in shame when someone’s opinion threatens the validity of our precious theory. Hey, we’re human. I do wonder though, if Paul would say, you’re missing the point. The point is to be YOU as a mother not a THEORY. Furthermore, let all the REAL YOU there is in you out in your mothering. That’s maturity. That’s being a good mom.

“What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe – as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed. Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. For we are God’s fellow workers; you are God’s field, God’s building….For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

1 Corinthians 3: 5-9; 11

You can be the seed planter or the waterer, the cosleeper or the baby wearer, the sleep trainer or the home birther. Paul is saying GREAT! Whatever way you nurture your baby is fine. The point is to do the job as YOU. Nurture your baby with freedom and peace and watch God do the rest. Watch as they smile all puffy in the morning when you walk in the room. Watch as they bounce their chunky knees with Elmo as he dances. Watch and listen as they begin to speak, share opinions, and ask questions. Watch their eyes light up with ‘wow’ when they see their first lightning bug. Watch them strut with pride when they get that new water bottle with a handle. Watch them chase the waves at the ocean. Only God grows the child into all this magic. Nurture the way you nurture. Then, let go, and watch.

Ok, easier said than done. How do we set boundaries for ourselves and experience this kind of letting go? This peace and freedom?

Know Thyself

At the edge of a salty sea, Jesus begins his ministry by asking his first disciples, “What do you want?” (John 1) They’re like, “Huh? What are you saying?” Jesus says, “Come and you will see.” I think it’s important to consider that Jesus asks the disciples what they want. He’s encouraging them to be self-reflective. To pause, and search their hearts. Then, he says, come and see.

Jesus wants us to use our brains, guys. Following him doesn’t look like carbon copying your pastor’s wife’s style or posting a few verses in your stories. Jesus would like you to take a dive deep into your inner world. He wants you to discover your heart’s desire with him at your right hand. When you inevitably realize you’ve got one or two traumas trailing your needs, desires, and values…When you realize you don’t believe in yourself enough for this exercise or can’t ask yourself that question without balling, he’d like to be right there. He wants to pat your hand and let you to know it’s not selfish to think about yourself. Not for one minute. He’d like you to come and see who you are with him. You can discover what you want, what’s important to you AND BE A CHRISTIAN WOMAN. In fact, Jesus would say, that you must ask yourself what you want if you want a life with him. He doesn’t want fakers. He wants your real honest, broken, bleeding heart and all your tender little secrets. He’s not looking away.

SO, where do you start with boundaries? You ask yourself what you want and you discover your identity. Your foundation. When you look there, you will find many things and you will also find Christ.

“For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

An identity planted in Christ looks like an identity planted…
In love –
As any mother knows, love equals sacrifice. You love your children and, therefore, sacrifice sleep, showers, and social time to meet their needs. But they aren’t the only things you love. Think about some other qualities of yourself or activities that you love. If you love doodling or alone-time or chatting with girlfriends or exploring new places or creating order from chaos or working with your hands that matters too. These loves are a crucial piece of who you are that inform where you need boundaries to be the BEST of who you are. You are loved. Christ sacrificed his life so that you could anchor that love to your soul and stay put there forever. Part of living as a loved person is being a person who loves and does stuff she loves.
Do what you love and watch what God does.



In grace –
This means forgiving yourself daily and asking for forgiveness. Those of us in recovery have a saying, your only as sick as your secrets. If you’re holding onto shame or resentment for something, even the tiniest stinking turd of a thing, you can’t be free. You can’t discover your stunning identity underneath that sickness. An identity planted in Christ, is an identity planted in grace. You have to forgive yourself for what Jesus already forgave you for. You have to let go of those things that irk you about other people. You have to see and let go of the pain. You may never forget what someone did to you, but forgiving that person means giving up the right to be angry forever.

Trust me as long as you’re resentful, you will feel entitled and as long as you feel entitled you will be addicted to something. That addiction muddles up your boundary-setting abilities. Take a hard look at where resentment has crusted over your identity and claim the soothing grace.

In growing –
Like the pull of ocean tide, God is always pulling you to a new earth-reality. This means no spiritual concrete feet for you. What are the unique ways you know you’re being pulled to stretch, grow, and bloom? Maybe you need to find more quiet. Maybe you need to push yourself out into the awkward world of humans. Growing looks different for everyone but we’re all being pulled. Don’t fight it. When you know where you want to grow, you can place boundaries in your life that help you reach and stretch even further.

In your uniqueness-
God shaped the curves and edges of your being unlike any other. He wants you to own that. You have a unique personality that Christ is renewing in you. This is a key piece of your identity too. Be you. If you’re the life of the party, celebrate that part of yourself and don’t worry that you’re too much. If you are an introvert who needs more time with her books, enjoy every minute you get alone and don’t apologize. God created you; give him the applause he deserves by loving your unique personality.

These are all important considerations as you explore your identity. Now, I’m going to write something controversial here…
Motherhood is a role, not an identity. The only way we learn to set the boundaries that help us flourish as mothers is by separating the person and what’s important to her from the role of mother.

Boundaries

Peace of mind in parenting comes down to boundaries. Boundaries with your kids.
“No, do not suck on my hair please.”
“Guess what?! You’re big enough to carry a pool bag!”
“What’s your plan while I shower so I can enjoy a good wash?”
“Hmmm, a sleepover sounds really fun, but I’ve had a big day and I’m feeling tired. I think our family needs some downtime tonight.”

These are all ways we set boundaries with our kids. We also need boundaries in marriage, with family, friends and society. We need to know how to hear an opinion on baby life, consider it with empathy, and then let it go. That philosophy of parenting doesn’t need to sink into your sense of self and cause wreckage. I imagine boundaries as a screen door. You can observe what’s going on and hear what’s being said, but it can’t get to you. The door is shut. Inside the safe house of your identity, you know what’s important to you. Remember, “For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

In a theological sense, your identity is rooted in the belief that you were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). This is a wild thought. When you sit in the settled possibility that you were pieced together by the divine to look like the divine, and filter out all of the churchy jargon associated with that phrase “made in the image,” it changes things. Maybe you have a problem with your thighs, or your chronically sulky mood. Maybe growing up, your childhood did not look like Little Women. Maybe everything smelled like ketchup and looked more like The Fast and the Furious with lots of busyness, yelling and slamming of doors.

This stuff can make it hard to know and understand that you are good. That God took a piece of his heart and molded human out of it to get YOU.

An identity crafted in Christ, is a liberated, healing, growing, grace-based, loved and loveable person. Not a perfect person or a “good Christian.” A free person. A person who is clear on what matters to them and what doesn’t. What’s ok and what’s not ok. When we don’t have to earn our worth as mothers or prove ourselves as mothers, we get to just BE MOTHERS.

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”
1 Corinthians 3:16

If this verse doesn’t give you the right to set boundaries I don’t know what does. God is saying here that his spirit lives in you and that he will destroy the dark forces that try to steal that from you. When you are overwhlemed with the demands of baby life, your spirit crumbles and that breaks God’s heart. He wants you to set the boundaries you need to keep your spirit singing. You are sacred. What you want and who you are are so important to God.
Say no.
Take a nap.
Ask for help.
Eat well.
Stay home.
or
Get out.
Drink water.
Laugh.
Walk with the flowers.
Let the sun fall on your face.
Take the advice you need and leave the rest.
Sit. Breathe. Heal.
Be you.
Take care of your sacred spirit temple.
This is what is required for being a good, good mama.

Dear God,
This is so beautiful
This is so hard
Having a baby has flipped my house, my body, and my emotions upside down
I’m still me
But I’ll never be the same
I feel so in love
I feel so frazzled
I feel so giddy
I feel so worried
I feel so complete
I feel so undone
Nothing I do makes any sense
I make grocery lists
I go to the grocery with absolutely no list in hand
and yet
all of life makes sense now
I get it
I look into her eyes and fall into a well of meaning I’ll never climb out of
My heart lives there now
All the loves of life have extra glow now that he’s wiggling here
Now that I’m watching her in the flowers
At the coffee shop
With the dog
Spinning round and round in the kitchen
It’s all better
And
I still need to think
To be inside my brain with myself
I love this responsibility
And yet
I need small hour without demands
Call me overly responsible
But my shoulders and neck feel tight
I’ve always been the girl who felt all the feelings
And carried everyone else’s too
But still told myself I was doing it wrong
So I’m overwhelmed with pressure and BONUS still struggle with low self-esteem
I know I know codependency
But you’ve seen it right?
Don’t you see how much better things go when I’m the boss?
When I make the plan? “Listen up folks!”
Ok, so yeah
I have one or two oldest child issues
And it’s too much now
This parent thing threw me
I now fully confess
In weepy exhaustion
(though you know I love that baby with a force!)
I can’t carry it all
I can’t be responsible all the time for everything
I can’t keep trying harder
Especially without sleep
So let’s do this
Let’s set boundaries
Tiny walls around my sweet interior
Because you love my soul and that’s enough of a reason actually
I’m not good at asking for help
But here I am asking
Taking the first step into Boundary Land
God scoop me the biggest helping of grace
Actually just scoop me up
Intercept the guilt and shame
Intercept the judgment
Help me be human
So that I can love you as God
And love that baby with the gushiest, most alive, salty mama love that I’m possibly capable of
So we both settle down on a bed of nervous system regulated heaven
It’s really all I want to do
I surrender the other crap
Thanks