Winter 2024, our family felt a giant shift in our rhythm as we introduced a Playstation 5 to our living room. Up until this point, we hadn’t allowed video games or iPads or any screen time beyond Ninja Kids, Bluey, and movies. Once the Playstation entered our dwelling, so did the request for a game called Fortnite. A name which when mentioned among mothers of boys ages 7-13 elicits sighs of defeat. Oh, Fortnite. Though I’ve only played the game a few times myself (with embarrassingly quick deaths), I see the appeal for my 8-year-old son.
Fortnite is all guns and exploration, but it’s not violent or bloody. It’s bright colors and absurd landscapes with dopamine-releasing zings, pings, and level-ups. It provides many opportunities for success without being boring. It’s competitive and challenging but also collaborative. And, eh hm, ladies, in case you haven’t noticed, men and boys tend to bond by engaging in activity alongside each other – not by discussing their feelings or purchases at Target. It’s music and fantasy-driven characters or as they’re so cleverly named, skins. FORTNITE IS ALL THE THINGS our boys love and BONUS, moms don’t really get it. This gives our little boys the opportunity to differentiate from their sweet moms at a time when, developmentally, they’re striving to define themselves as “tough” and “male.” This dynamic creates a doubling-down effect on our anxiety, for we’re not only afraid of what the added screen time and increase in fighting is doing to our boys psychologically, we’re also afraid that this moment is a turning point in our relationship when we lose our babies to manhood FOR-EV-ER! This makes us so crazy we want to throw that PS5 right out into the street and in my weakest moments, moms, I regret to admit that I’ve threatened this very act.
Or , I believe my exact words were, “That thing is going on Ebay tomorrow and don’t think I won’t do it because I WILL!!!!”
Deep breaths.
After a bit of time with Fortnite, our family did find a rhythm again. I did what I always do when I’m facing exterior or interior conflict – I cried, I prayed, I journaled, I processed, and I investigated God’s stories.
One story in particular captured my heart and spoke to my Fortnite issue along with many other parenting debacles.
In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehosaphat defeats Moab, Ammon, and a sprinkle of Meunites too with many intriguing pivots and tantalizing moments along the way (love that journey for you Jehosaphat). These three armies banded together to pummel Jehosaphat’s little world. Jehosaphat refers to the home he and his descendants have worked hard to build as a sanctuary. This is his safe fortress where he finds peace – where he finds God. This is the home he’s created for the ones he loves. He is understandably alarmed when he hears of this vast army on their way to destroy his home. So what does he do? He prays, sings, fasts and thanks God for his love. He gathers his people together and urges them to do the same. He does what he can and lets God handle the rest. Long story short, God sends mysterious “ambushes” (disease? angels? Baby yoda?) and essentially all of these armies turn on each other. Later, all Jehosaphat finds just over the hill are a bunch of dead guys with all their supplies lying around (kinda sad and gorey but that’s the Bible guys). In the end, the text says, “And the kingdom of Jehosaphat was at peace, for his God had given him rest on every side.”
What can moms take away from this?
Technology can feel like a terrifying invasion of the sanctuary we’ve created to protect our children. It’s like this sneaky way the warped forces of the world seem to slither into our homes and snatch childhood innocence. The alarm we feel as mothers is not only understandable, it’s biological. Our mama-bear instincts kick in when our children beg for screen time sending us into fight responses. In this flurry of dysregulated reactions, we end up howling, moralizing and categorizing – bad, bad, bad! This not only terrifies the people and pets in our home, disrupting all sense of safety and peace, but also teaches our children the destructive message that there is a dualistic relationship between fun and health. Whether we like it or not the screens are here and here to stay.
Here’s what we can do:
- Thank the fear and pray.
Verse 3, “Alarmed, Jehosaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord.” Jehosaphat was afraid because fear is a natural response to danger. Healthy fear keeps our children protected from harm. We feel afraid for our children because there are some real dangers involved with too much screen time. I love what Aliza Pressman says, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” Welcome and thank that feeling that rises up as a guard rail for your kids and their consumption of something that is risky. Then, take a deep breath and turn to the author of peace. The founder of love. The original artist of calm. Pray. Reflect. Journal. Meditate. Spill your heart to God.
Later in verse 6 Jehosaphat says, “O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven?” Meaning, are you not the God of peaceful, beautiful, safe places? He is! God knows the landscape of a good home and adores the intentionality with which you’ve curated your own. You’re just trying to create a little taste of goodness and safety, of heaven, for your little ones here on earth. He will honor the desires of your heart. He sees the full picture of your kids’ life and how it all plays out. He plants redemption into every complicated situation. When we surrender to his knowing, through prayer, we take on a grounded, inner knowing – a peace beyond understanding. You might still slip up sometimes. Bark a ‘no’ with a little bite when your blood sugar is low. You can say sorry. A mess up here and there is better than a full-on mama bear attack. And it teaches your kids it’s ok to be human.
- Gather your people (warm, sweet lattes optional but recommended).
Verse 4, “The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord.” Find friends who have the same values around technology and can support you with perspective and advice. You don’t have to agree perfectly on every rule. Every family has their own vibe and routine and what works for some moms might not for you. THAT’S COOL. Don’t let differences keep you from wrestling with, pondering and processing feelings, ideas, podcasts, books, and bible verses with these friends. Loneliness is a nasty little accompaniment to fear. Discussing your worries with friends who can empathize will provide an exhale. Ahhhhhhh can you feel that?
- Have courage and set some limits.
Notice Jehosaphat’s courage in verse 5 before his big surrender to God in prayer, “Then Jehosaphat stood up in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem at the temple of the Lord.” He accepted his reality, paid attention to how he felt about it and then stood up announcing, here’s what’s going to happen guys. Pay attention to the research out there about screen time and when you’re regulated and calm, DEAL with it. This might mean sitting the family down for a meeting and coming up with some new rules. There might be some discomfort, push back or whining about it. But, YOU’RE THE MOM. They’re the kids. And no matter how unpopular your limits might be or uncomfortable their negative feelings are for you, your job is to protect them.
Verse 17 says, “You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.” Have courage. Stand up and stand firm. We know from the developmental psychology world that rules help kids feel safe. Rules plus relationship, show how much you care. You don’t have to engage in battles about Fortnite everyday. Set kind but firm limits and give your kids’ feelings about it to God.
If necessary repeat this sentiment with your kids, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. I’m ok that you don’t love this rule right now. I love you no matter what. I’m the mom and it’s my job to keep you safe. I know Fortnite is so much fun! I’m excited for you to play during ______ allotted times. But too much time playing isn’t safe for your brain. When you aren’t playing, let’s do something else that’s fun like riding bikes or playing a board game.”
- Look at your faith portfolio.
Verse 7, “O our God did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend?” Jehosaphat is looking back and seeing God’s trail of faithfulness. This is a helpful process when we’re sure our current parenting stress will be the death of us. Look back on other struggles you faced and emerged from even stronger. Newborn life, potty training, refusal to walk into preschool, car-nap traps, tantrums in grocery stores. This is stuff that felt huge at the time but my guess is you aren’t facing it anymore with your 9 year old. You made it through. Your relationship with them is still intact. You’re children still love you. God was a friend to you then and he’s with you now.
- Admit where you are powerlessness.
As much as we want to believe that we can shield our kids from absolutely every evil online, we can’t. Someday, at some point, they will see something on some phone that affects them. All we can do is pray, set limits with calm clarity and let go. As our children grow up, it’s overwhelming to imagine what kinds of darkness they might be exposed to on school buses or in basements. We can’t protect them from everything. But we educate them about the dangers online and then show them our love. Show them that we’re here to answer any questions and discuss anything they witnessed on a screen that was scary or confusing or hurtful without shame or judgment. Verse 12, “For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.” Our God is a strong braid of love layered with compassion, on top of grace over and over again – an endless rope of hope and help. When you feel overwhelmed, turn your eyes and grab ahold…
- Involve the kids.
Verse 13,“All the men of Judah, with their wives and children and little ones, stood there before the Lord.” The children came to prayer group too! This makes me think of autonomy-based parenting. This is the idea that when we allow our children to have some autonomy in any given situation they respond more positively. So, present all the facts to you kids about the risks of screens and then ask them what they think is a healthy amount of screen time. Bring them into the conversation with you. Do you understand why we need to set limits? What do you think those limits should be? What do you think a loving God wants for your mind and body to be healthy?
- Bring the gratitude, bring the joy. Verse 21, “After consulting the people, Jehosaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: ‘Give thanks to the Lord for his love endures forever.’”
In the quiet of the morning, when it’s just you and God and the birds singing outside your window, create a list of the things that are going well for your kids and your parenting. Your heart will begin to sing right along with birds. Sometimes, we become so fixated on our fears and struggles as mothers we forget to see the areas where our children are flourishing. We forget to see the positive impact we’ve made as parents and the little moments of connection we have that are foundational to a healthy childhood. Does your son still lay his head on your shoulder at night? Do you laugh together over silly spills? Do you rock out to music together in the car? Do you notice your child sharing or showing generosity in some unique way? These are important too. These things count too. Reflect. Notice. List. Breathe. Thank God. Your best is good enough.
Verse 27, “Then, led by Jehosaphat, all the men of Judah and Jerusalem returned joyfully to Jerusalem, for the Lord had given them cause to rejoice over their enemies.” I heard a mother say once, rules without relationship will lead to rebellion. Relationship, especially with our boys, means joyfully, playfully entering their world. We don’t have to be the coolest mom ever but a little surrendering of our uptightness will go a long way with our boys. If we play with them with genuine rascaliliness, even just 20 minutes worth, they will never forget it. My dad always says his favorite memory of his mom was watching her play soft ball with his family. Now, my grandma made delicious homemade pies; she knitted blankets and played piano brilliantly – what sticks out to her son was when she entered his world for a while. Consider playing a little Fortnite. You’ll be terrible. It will be hilarious. Joy will sing through your home and write itself into your son’s childhood stories.
You’re a good mom. Your fortress in safe in the arms of a loving God. Have peace. Have rest.
Discerning friend,
You know what is best for my kids
Sit here with me as I make decisions about screens
Let my children experience art, technology, games, sports, music, culture and play
With wonder, joy and curiosity
Allow them to more fully enter their humanity
Through the mystery and meaning of both natural play and some electronic games too
Plant your redemption into every moment as we strive to strike balance between the two
As St. Augustine said,
All truth is your truth
May I, with your help, find and continually craft what is true and beautiful for my home and my family
May we find alignment and so much fun with each other
Tune our minds to the beat of your heart
That we may remain free from the chaos of media
May our inner worlds dance steady and sure pressed against the sacred rhythm of your chest
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