“Mom, I’m fine, really?” –Jesus

Back to school folks! Here we are. If you’re anything like me, August and September were a disorienting mingle of regret, release and reimagining. Sometimes I wandered into RegretLand where I regretted all the things we didn’t do over the summer, and all the ways we were too busy. And all the moments I wasn’t perfectly present in a white cotton dress, twirling in an open meadow hand-in-hand with my children, kissing butterflies and rolling in flowers. But if I’m honest, I also felt a release. I release from the pressure of being the entertainment director of the family. Right? “Folks, listen up. Buckle your seat belts because…today we are traveling to the Splash Pad!” Geez.

Fall offers the opportunity to light a pumpkin candle, turn on Elmo for the youngest and lean against my kitchen counter for a breath. At my best, I reimagine all the ways I can start fresh this season. Maybe, be just one micro inch more patient. Spend a little less time planning Zoo days and a little more time exercising or planning meals I love that love my body back. I reimagine the way our summer was. I pull out all the magic moments and put those on the display wall of my mind. The ones where we cracked up so hard at baby toots. The ones where we had important car talks about the teen years, our favorite football players, music and grit. I imagine gluing those moments to my brain so they stick. I pray, these and more God. These and more this fall.

Every fall, as my kids get older, the lesson that keeps emerging is let them.
Let them try
Let them fail
Let them feel
Let them work
Let them earn
Let them problem solve
Let them laugh
Let them sing
Let them dance
Let them tackle
Let them sweat
Let them play
Let them get dirty
Let them remember
Let them splash
Let them risk
Let them explore
Let them be bored
Let them express themselves
LET THEM LEARN

I could be a 90’s mom remake in a second. My first instinct is to overprotect. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m kind of a tree-hugging-barefoot-oceanhair-creekwalking-nature-girl who loves to garden and sweat, so letting my kids climb trees and catch toads isn’t hard for me. But when it comes to their emotional world – watch out. I want to wrap their tender feelings up so tight in the bubbliest bubble wrap (extra tape). I want to snuggle them on my couch with a box of tissues, piles of blankets and endless chocolate chip cookies. I want to Wolverine anyone who even thinks about hurting their precious, precious feelings. There is physical heat to this passion that rages inside of me when someone hurts my kid. I can feel my face getting hot just typing about it. But I have to let them feel the embarrassment or let down, or pain. Because one day, they’ll be grown up adults in unfair situations without a mama there to text their college professor’s mama to tell her, her son grew up to be a butt.

I have to let them feel without freaking out. I have to let them learn that life is ruthless, but they are brave. Their feelings in the moment won’t last forever. They get to make choices about what to do to make it better and they get a new day tomorrow. To forgive. To say sorry. To try again. To rest. To shake it off and keep going. Most importantly, they need to get to know Mr. Jesus on their own. He doesn’t just belong to mommy in her quiet time chair. He belongs right there in the middle of their pain. When they get the chance to say, “God, I’m so scared. I hate this. This is so hard. Please, please help me God.” They get to build their own faith and relationship with their creator.

Side note: There is a .2% chance our children will grow up to be professional soccer or football players. There is a 100% chance they will have to decide what they think of this guy Jesus who lived a couple thousand years ago. There is also a 100% chance they will one day experience something that wrecks them. Where will they look for hope on that day?

Mary mother of Jesus had to learn this the hard way too. Granted, she wasn’t facing algorithms designed to get her sons addicted to pornography or her daughters wrapped up in cyber bullying. But she had her own battles. Don’t forget, she got knocked up by the Holy Ghost. Except all the whispering neighbors and stone throwing church leaders didn’t buy the Holy Ghost part and labeled her the worst thing. That label extended to her son. Her little boy who was gentle and smart and special. She had to watch him endure vile rejection everyday. I don’t blame her for not wanting him to leave her side. I’m sure she’d imagined the worst someone could do to her boy. But she had to learn, to let him.
Let him grow up
Let him face it
Let him teach
Let him learn how to walk the world as GodMan

“Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’

‘Why were you searching for me?’ he asked. ‘Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

Luke 2:41-52

Ok, takeaways…

He was 12

As kids get older, we should expect them to differentiate from their parents. This is normal. Even Jesus just decided one day that he going to do the opposite of what his parents did. I’m realizing the more I expect my kids to differentiate from me, the less it hurts. When I strive to mature as my kids mature rather than cling to comfort and control, I enjoy my life and my kids so much more. We have to let them grow up and grow with them or we’ll respond to their natural developmental tendencies with damaging reactions that can produce irresponsible behavior.

I love what Foster Cline, MD has to say about this, “The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that with God’s help, they can always first look to themselves for the answers to their problems. Kids who develop an attitude that says, I can probably find my own solutions, become survivors. They have an edge in learning, relating to others, and making their way in the world. That’s because the best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.” –Parenting with Love and Logic

Don’t Take it Personally

Of course they did that stupid thing! Of course they’re forgetting things, pushing back, asking questions, climbing on the roof, giggling way too loud in social settings. They’re kids who’re wondering what the world looks like from many different perspectives, not just yours. They’re going about the vulnerable work of discovering who they are. Don’t take their growth or curiosity personally. Notice Mary painted herself and Joseph as victims when she found Jesus. How many times have we told our kids something similar. “You scared me to death!” “You’re making me mad!” “Gosh you stress me out kid!” I’m so guilty!

When we take our child’s mistakes or curiosity personally and react emotionally, we’re withholding key opportunities from our them. All they learn from our mama-drama reaction, is that this thing I did made mom mad. They don’t get to learn from the natural consequences of their choices. As long as the choices don’t involve losing a limb, we should try not to step in. Let them face the consequences.

But Mary Treasured Up

If you’re letting your children have independence. If you’re letting them camp out in the woods, walk to school, run into the grocery store, face their teacher without their homework, forget their lunch, mess up, try again, fail, and try again without solving the problem for them, you are doing your job. You deserve a big hug because it’s hard, but you’re giving your kids the magnificent gift of trying out being an adult before it’s too late.

Johnathon Haidt, a social psychologist and professor at NYU, notes in several of his books, that in the 1990’s American families experienced a big shift. After being shocked by a few big abductions in the 1980’s which happened to coincide with the rise of cable TV, American parents stopped letting their children play unattended between the ages of 5 and 10 years old; only allowing independence when their children became teenagers. Haidt emphasizes that this socially and emotionally paralyzed a whole generation. Many adults missed the opportunity to solve problems and gain confidence at a key developmental time.

“Give childhood back to kids, so that they do what they most need to do which is develop the skills of being an independent adult. Remember that the job of a parent, is to work him or herself out of the job.” –Johnathon Haidt

I’ve learned to take a lesson from Mary, and treasure the hard parenting moments when I strive to let my children wrestle a problem on their own. These are the moments to treasure. These are the moments that will give your child the gift of confidence. Without confidence it is nearly impossible to attain a sense of meaning and purpose in life.

One More Thing

Be an empathetic voice and a safe place to land when they inevitably climb too high and fall. That’s right, let your kids climb trees. I think I learned all I need to know about life from climbing trees, I’m serious. Climbing trees is healthy risk for kids. It develops physical agility, confidence and an important connection to nature. Maybe you feel nervous watching your son or daughter climb higher and higher, but let them, and try not to shout, “be careful!” If they fall, it is absolutely ok to validate the hurt or disappointment. This gives your child the confidence that they are free to take risks because they know they have a caregiver who will nurture them if something goes wrong. This “climbing trees” bit works in a literal and metaphorical sense. When your child goes out into the world, risks love and experiences hurt or disappointment, empathy is crucial. You don’t have to solve their problems or call Lindsay’s mom. Just being there, listening and comforting is enough.

This summer was a big milestone for Gage. We were at the beach for two weeks and I decided to loosen the reigns A LOT. I let him stay out with his 12 year old cousin, all day, around open water, by himself. I told him to be inside by dark. Believe me, I experienced so much emotional termoil over this. My mind was loaded with “what ifs” and also I just wanted to watch my little boy play while he’s still a kid. But he doesn’t need me smiling at his cuteness. He needs my confidence in him as a boy growing into a man. Gage had the best summer of his life. He still talks about how incredible it was to “rule the beach.” I told him he’s a strong swimmer, he’s smart, he’s wise beyond his years, and that I knew he’d be ok. Guess what? Gage believed me.

Sigh.
Now I need a coffee.
Parenting is such hard work. But it is so gorgeous to watch these little people grow up. It’s gorgeous to watch myself grow too.

Father, Mother, God,

Be overprotective of me as I strive NOT to overprotect my children
Shelter me from the plaguing ‘what if’s’
Dig up the anxiety and plant wisdom in my brain so I know when it’s time to step in
Place words of understanding on my tongue
Close my lips and keep me still when they just need a safe presence
Breath a sense of calm into me, when I’m triggered and tempted to emotionally react

May I treasure every moment of their tender growing up
May I treasure the tender woman I am; trying so hard to be a good mom and getting plenty right