Roaming with Romans

I’m a dangerously self-reflective person.  

I’ve always envied people, like my sweet husband, who are doers. People who, BOOM!,  get sh%& done. The people who wake up with a clear list of tasks and plow ahead. Their houses are tidier, their meals healthier, and their kids don’t miss pajama day at school. These people register for things on time, RSVP,  buy tickets before they sell out, and cultivate fun memories. They can withstand reading and answering more than three emails without an episode of staring off into the void, jaw slackening for 15 minutes due to overwhelm. These people don’t let things slip. They say “sorry” less and “can I help you?” more. Gah! Why can’t I be like these people??! They are better. They are good. At least, this is what my dangerously self-reflective mind wants to tell me, anyway. My mind wants to compare, check, and moralize, check, check. 

Self-reflection, however, does have its benefits. It’s not a better or worse characteristic than being a more task-oriented, organized person. And the whole universe sighs in relief when these two types of people become friends and add heaping scoops of advice and delight to each other’s lives. My task-oriented friends have modeled yummy self-care, mind-clearing routines, and life-saving logic for me. I (though it’s still hard for me to believe) have helped them, pause, emote a little longer, weep until they cackle, and see a way to hold the bittersweet of just about anything. 

See! I know! 

There is this beautiful pearl to be found in my nature, but man, I have to scour for it sometimes.

In those moments…

Romans 8: 26-27

“In the same way, the spirit comes to help our weakness. We don’t know what we should pray, but the spirit himself pleads for our case with unexpressed groans. The one who searches hearts knows how the spirit thinks, because he pleads for the saints, consistent with God’s will.”

The author of this piece, Paul, wrote 4 of his 13 letters from a Roman jail cell. Needless to say, he had a generous amount of time for self-reflection in prison. I’m sure he understood weakness on a whole other level and ran out of prayers plenty of times. But he offers this assurance; when we’re spiraling, a loving force pleads for us –even groans in understanding. There is this Divine Dance, as Richard Roar puts it, happening all the time between Father, Son and Spirit. It is an active relationship between unique personalities, not unlike that of our task-oriented and self-reflective friends. This relationship moves together as one being, but, at the same time, with conveniently unique attributes for just the right moments. 

Moms,

Whether you’re especially self-reflective or not, in moments of spiraling worry, there is a unique force that searches your motivations, desires, fears, and regrets and groans with you. The holy spirit pleads on your behalf, releasing redemption and comfort right in the middle of your darkest, most complex moments of stress. Prayer is worth something because it’s how we touch this experience and sit in the powerful comfort of it. 

Here’s a way to start:

“This mind is burning

Eyes staring dead

Face falling to bones

Body clenching emotion

I’m lost in the past

Wandering with ghosts

Reviewing

Rewinding 

Scratching out 

Imagining 

Editing

Regretting

Caught up,

In waves of regret and hurt and shame, 

Can’t find my footing  

Worry is drowning rest

Choking any peace I have about my 

Kids

Home

Husband

Parents

Finances

Health

Friends

Self

The mind is twisting, screaming

Reaching and kicking

In these moments, I discover weakness like an ocean in me

But with one turn to prayer,

“I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are turned to you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12 

The spirit dives in

Pulling me out

Reminding me,

This is also your greatest strength, so use it.

You can do it. I’ll help.

breathe

You pull me up to a clear, salty day of peace

You breathe relief into my mind

You place my feet in the wild, fresh dirt where they belong

A place where flowers grow

This is what I’m longing for…

To belong where the meaning is

To come home

This is what I can do…

Breathe

Write

Pray

You pull me out of regret about the past and anxiety about the future 

And into what my heart really wants

Which is what God wants too

What an exhale

Breathe

and fall back to sleep

thinking of the flowers”

My guess is Paul had some of his darkest moments in that Roman prison. He handled it through prayer and letters. He went on to lead a life and a movement of faith that changed the world…